Am I writing this by 6 am because I absolutely want it up by 8? Yes, the answer is yes. For some reason, I didn’t write in February. I can blame capitalism, but I can also blame the thoughts that made me feel like nothing I wrote was ever good enough. Nevertheless, aluta continua.

Regularly Scheduled Programming

There are many things I have learnt in my short time here; don’t look a masquerade in the face, try to pay taxes if you can, and always go where joy finds you.

I had a conversation with a friend earlier last week, where they complained about how all they did was work and work, with no time to breathe for themselves. These are the dog years, sure. The years where we set the foundation for what is to be the rest of our lives. It’s also supposed to be the best years of our lives. 

Now, I live in Nigeria, so I can tell you for a fact that my 20s are not even close to being the best years of my life; the economy is failing, and inflation is rising higher, but let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about how it feels to wake up and see that you have missed doing what you love because you spend Monday to Sunday grinding for a paycheck.

You need the paycheck to survive, but how’s your living going? A fear of mine is waking up to see that years have gone past and I haven’t lived a life I am truly proud of, or comfortable in. How do you solve a problem like capitalism? When you find out, let me know.

How do you make sure that you do not spend all your time doing life out of necessity? For me, it’s fighting for my joy. Heaven knows I do not mean literal fighting, but sometimes you might have to throw hands with the forces of nature that want to stress you.

“Go where joy finds you.” I cannot remember where I heard that but it tracks with the philosophy I am now building around my life. It’s not enough to hope you find joy, you absolutely have to be where your joy will find you. That may sound like something over the top and really intense but it doesn’t have to be. I have a reminder to read a chapter of a book every day. I don’t always follow it, but books are a huge source of joy in my life, and keeping up with my book goals keep me sane. A friend dedicates every Sunday to reading Webtoons; she’s a manager in her company and nobody is as stressed as she is, but a little pocket of happiness is found in the story of Hades and Persephone. 

This week and this month, go where joy finds you. 

On Life.

Every two weeks, I complain about my sleep pattern. But it’s bad this time for real. I have managed 6 hours at a go in the past week, and the eyebags are getting more pronounced. But perseverance huhn? 

I did do a model shoot last week, and it was so fun playing dress up and wearing makeup. For three whole hours, I considered the possibility of doing the entire thing full-time, and then I laughed because absolutely not. Modelling is fun when you can free it and go back to your actual job. Shout out to people who do it as a career; I am not involved. 

I am finding it difficult to stick to my goals for this year - is it a discipline thing or an “I am overwhelmed” thing? I am not sure. But it’s March, and I have things to accomplish by the year’s end. It’s put my nose to the stone and grind time. 

On Music

One of the songs I have been obsessed with is “Loser, Baby” from the Hazbin Hotel soundtrack. Hazbin Hotel is a very interesting animation on Amazon Prime. Interesting is the word I chose here because it has religious connotations that may offend people. 

I can’t explain why Loser, Baby is a favorite without giving spoilers but if you’ve watched Hazbin Hotel, you would know why.

On Books

I’m rereading a book series I absolutely love: The Naturals by Ally Carter. Think of it as Criminal Minds but teenagers.

Lemonade

I am now watching old shows (If you’re going to say something about anxiety and watching old shows, I implore you to shut up right now). Currently, I’m rewatching Law & Order: SVU and One Tree Hill.