Ink, Love and Life #9 - An existential Crisis and then some.

"Maybe I made a mistake yesterday, but yesterday's me is still me. I am who I am today, with all my faults. Tomorrow I might be a tiny bit wiser, and that's me, too. These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life. I have come to love myself for who I was, who I am, and who I hope to become." - Kim Namjoon, BTS.

Regularly Scheduled Programming


Who are you?

That's a question I think about a lot. And not in the way Nigerians ask, "Who are you?" because they want to know who your daddy is. But in the more existential crisis type of way. The way RM asks in Persona, "Who the hell am I?"

One of my favourite authors, Eloghosa Osunde, writer of Vagabonds! (if you haven't read it, you should read it. It changes your life), had a conversation with someone and published it. I'm not done with it - I find that I always go back to paragraphs that hit me.

Who the hell am I?

I used to think that despite the chaos of life, the one thing I could count on was that I'd be the same person. Looking back now, I see that was a half-truth. Who I am hasn't changed but it also has. I was the girl who thought that she'd write books for the rest of her life, but I can barely write a one-shot now because I'm too busy, too scared. Terrified of writing and realising that I've lost such an integral part of my identity. And so, I run from fiction. I'm still the girl that writes though - newsletters, and articles. I was and I am still, a writer.

That was a tangent I shouldn't have gone on but oh well. There's something about changing so much yet still staying the same on the things that matter.

Carl Jung's psychology although pretty outdated says stuff that resonates. His map of the soul; Persona - Ego - Shadow - Self - Anima. Yes, the first three are BTS songs too. Very educating those men.

Persona is the face(s) you show other people. The personality or personalities you put on to please others or to be more liked and all of that. That's a theme that RM explores in Intro: Persona. The ever-recurring question, who am I? Beneath all the faces you put on and take off, the skinsuits you wear and take off at will, who dwells within?

I don't think anybody truly has figured out who they are, there's just so much to uncover and layers to peel back that it'd take a lifetime to actually know who you are. Hell, vampires live hundreds of years and still surprise themselves each day. Self-discovery is a journey, an excruciating one to go on but it's nice to settle in your skin and know that you might change but who you are stays the same (please tell me that you understand that because I don't know the words to use for it).

Know yourself - Love yourself - Speak yourself. The commandment that I stole from RM and modified. Up until this morning, I thought I knew myself, all that I was and all that I could be but surprise surprise, I don't. And that's okay too.

The quote I put at the beginning is one I try to remember through all these changes that seem to be happening - the fault and mistakes and the wins and the successes make you who you are. Yesterday's you is you, today's you is you still and tomorrow's you, wise as they might be is you too.

Now I'm going to carry on with things knowing that the person I am can slip away from me and my foundations can shift. How I would live with that information? I'll let you know in the next letter.

Elo's conversation:

A Long Talk: conversation between Eloghosa Osunde & Joshua Segun-Lean.

On Life.

I started this letter with tension in my eyes. Tension that came from holding all my worries inside. Now there's a lot less tension but still tension. I'm a chronic worrier - I get it from my mother. Always thinking of the things that can go wrong and all the things that should go right. Constantly worrying about things out of my control, and what the people who love me are not telling me because they don't "want me to worry", the not-knowing is worse.

Today's worry is caused by a host of things, some of them usual, some of them not. The unusual ones - I did an interview on Friday, and I'm worried I messed up and I won't get the job, which would suck, I have to coordinate publicity for an event and I'm holding myself back from micromanaging every person on my team. If it flops, I'd cry.

Shameless plug time - if you watch anime and you're in Abuja, Lagos, Ilorin or Port Harcourt, Otakumart is hosting an anime movie watch night for JJK0 and Drifting Home. Buy tickets so I can eat, please and thanks.

On Books.

I finally finished a book!! I've been reading one book for almost three weeks because it took a while to drag me in but when it did, oh when it did, it was amazing. Lore by Alexandra Bracken is Greek mythology based with lots of fight scenes and existential crisis. Very fun.

I'm particularly Anthony Azekwoh's Witches of Auchi series. (fun fact - I beta read it in its baby stages, I think it's superb.)

She had a good job at Providus Bank and made comfortable money. She had a loving husband she was happy with. She had two children and had just given birth to her second son. Every Easter and…

On Music.

Apart from Ayra Starr's Rush, I've become obsessed with Obongjayar and Sarz's Gone Girl. I think Nigerians should apologize to Obongjayar for not giving the Sweetness EP the love it deserves.

Listen to Memeza on Spotify. Brenda Fassie · Song · 1998.

I like Brenda Fassie a lot. She's sort of a legend in my house. My mom adores her and even though we don't understand some of the things she says in her music, the emotion she conveys is always felt.


I'm grateful for music more and more these days. The fact that people have been where I am and have found the words to use that I struggle to find.

This week's Lemonade was definitely seeing Itohan. I hadn't seen her in three centuries, and it was nice to be held even if it was only for three hours. I missed her, I still miss her. It's no fun when you love people who are miles away from you. I shall hustle harder so I can buy a big house and put all my loves in it.