On Change.

Quite frankly, I forgot that this existed. Well, not forgotten in the sense of the word, but I got overwhelmed with working and trying to stay alive, so I did just the bare minimum to get by. There’s also something to be said about my good friends, burnout and impostor syndrome, but the half of it is showing up, so here I am. 

Hi!

I turn 25 in a month. And I have been thinking. A lot. Some of these thoughts have led me down paths I’d rather not go, but others have reminded me of who I am. There’s a lot I do not know, a lot I am unsure about, but I am in control of who I choose to be.

Reflecting on the past year, I realise I’m not as moral a person as I thought I originally was, and I can justify anything to others and myself if you give me enough time to think, which could be a superpower, or signs of sociopathy. 

Things have changed for me, and as the people say, the only constant thing in life is change; I am learning to be okay with that. Physical change is less jarring than emotional change. I moved houses, I live with one of my best friends (hi Joni!) now, and it took me a week to adjust.

On the other hand, a friendship ended, and it is taking me a while to come to terms with it. Regret is not something I feel very often, as I think regret means a lack of confidence in your decision-making, but I do regret how I handled it (not that it ended). Something you (me) learn as you get older is the power of hindsight. Yes, you shouldn’t have done that in the first place, and it’s come to bite you in the ass. 

Reconciling this with my unshakeable belief in my sense of justice is tilting my world a little bit. I’m not a person who is prone to staying in situations that do not serve either my immediate or long-term needs; it’s either the autism or the sociopathy if you ask me. What this means is that I make what look like very sudden decisions, but are the products of background and subconscious work. 

As I grow older, my body is changing in ways that make me feel like the BFG, I am coming to terms with my own mortality, and I am remembering that it is okay to let things go, even when they hurt, especially when they hurt. I know I sound like I think I am wiser now, but I swear I can feel my frontal lobe developing in real time. 

Who am I now? I think I’m who I’ve always been: a girl who wants to make it through. I’m more guarded (unfortunate, really, doesn’t fit with the brand), more comfortable with being a bad person™, and quite frankly, I am over it. What is ‘it’? Everything. Please, I’m tired, I don’t want to do things that extend my bandwidth past what it currently is. I’m still the girl who likes music and unrealistic romance books, and I can still do a mean Disney knees, so all the important things are still intact. Most important to me, I am still a girl who tries, and tries again, so I think that despite all my worries and insecurities, everything will be alright.

Change, no matter the form, brings discomfort. I should print that out and glue it to a wall in my room. But this discomfort is not the enemy; the enemy is staying in something that doesn’t serve you in any way. Nothing prepares you for the violence of change that wants to happen, the change that needs to happen. You think you are prepared, but you’re really not, even when you take steps towards it. 

I’ve been at my new (can I even call it new now?) job for 7 months, and every day feels like the day I signed my contract. I still have no idea what the hell I’m doing. But I must be doing something right because nobody has fired me yet. Scratch that, I’m giving up self-deprecation for 24, I am doing something right, even when I do not see it. 

I turn 25 in a month, and I am so exhausted. The economy, the political climate of the world and Nigeria, my own internal turmoil, everything is combined into a beautiful cocktail of tiredness. It feels like a tunnel with no way out. But there always is a way out, so I hold onto that.

This letter is a little narcissistic, but I think we’ve established over the past newsletters that I am a little narcissistic. The form of ILL will be changing, hell, even the name may be changing, I’m not sure yet. But we’d see.

What I’ve been reading:

I had the misfortune of taking my friend Uwem’s advice about a book - the Red Rising series by Pierce Brown, and while I think the writing is very good, the whiplash every page gave me was intense. Fantasy writers are not good people.

I also read this piece about Chowdeck, which I think is hilarious and accurately captures my frustration about one of my favourite apps and companies. 

I really like this letter from Treasure on everybody leaving. It reminds me of this piece by Fu’ad called Osmosis. Everyone is leaving, trying to leave, or thinking about leaving.

What I’ve been watching:

Having an iPad means I can download and watch films on Netflix. I’m currently in season 1 of ER, season 8 of Bones, and season 3 of XO, Kitty. I can switch between medical drama, crime drama, and teenage drama depending on my mood.

What I’ve been listening to (and think you should listen to too): 

BTS’s new album Arirang. A new song by Mad Tsai called Diet. And as always, Florence + the Machine. 

the horrors persist, but so do we.