A spark, a flame, a burnt out candle

I have been postponing writing this letter for the entirety of April, and I’m not sure I would be able to forgive myself if I didn’t send it. This would be in a slightly different format than what I usually do, because I’m all about switching up these days. 

Q1 is over. And if I say I accomplished any of my goals, I’d be a liar. But it’s over and now, onto Q2. 

This Q1 was brutal in a way I’m not sure how to describe. Ignis Aurum Probat. That is what I repeated to myself a lot of times. Fire tests gold. Fire tests gold. I heard it first in the Shadowhunters fandom and I use it to remind myself that fire is to purify all the flaws. 

What happens when you do not know where the fire stops and you begin? When you get so consumed by the fire burning in your soul that you start to burn?

I am no stranger to burnout, I might even say I am a war veteran, but God help me, Q1 wanted to burn me in addition. I didn’t write, I did work I didn’t like, and even though I experimented with it, the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy hooked me and didn’t want to let me go.

So, what did I do? I got a tattoo. 

Kidding. 

Actually no, I did get a tattoo - of flames. Because I’m corny like that. In addition to getting an absolute fire tattoo (get it?), I did a bunch of things - isolated myself in my room like a monk, talked to people who could help, and let go of things I couldn’t handle anymore. 

Am I better? Well, I’m writing this letter, aren’t I? I think that’s a step in what may be considered the right direction. 

In the recovery stage of burnout and I’ve been watching more shows, at the expense of my data but nonetheless. I binged the entirety of Bridgerton for the first time, and although Queen Charlotte is still my favourite, Kate and Anthony have my heart. Ahead of season 3, I do not know how I will be convinced to root for Penelope Featherington after what she pulled. 

Burnout is very interesting in the way it creeps up on you. I think an added disadvantage is that I am neurodivergent and working with my brain is already stressful, so trying to work through feeling tired is a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of neurodivergence, I catch myself wondering how my life would be if I wasn’t. Sure, I’m creative but the way that my life revolves around finding fixes to the problems that my brain throws me in takes so much out of me and makes me think that it might not be a fair bargain. Nonetheless, these are the cards I was dealt and would be making do with them. 

I’ve gotten back into writing, one-shots for now but who knows? Maybe I’ll publish the next Quramo Writer’s Prize winner and become a world-famous writer who writes for fun and lives in a mansion in Monaco. I did apply to the Sprinng NG writer fellowship and I’m hoping tentatively that I get in. 

I’ve been reading - 

Fanfics, mostly. Nary a book in sight. Someone said that reading books is an escape and yes, yes it is. I have been getting into Jason Todd and by extension the Batfamily fiction. Mostly because, Jason Todd, and on occasion, Tim Drake. 

I’ve been listening to -

Podcasts about marketing and strategy. Personal favourite:

This playlist by Reni:

I like Kold AF & Aema’s Everyday (I dey pray) and Tayo Creed’s Shakara. Obsessed with this playlist really, 80s synths are my jam and listening to non-afrobeats songs is very soothing. 

That’s about it. I hope this week is kind to you and your pockets, and your soul is not burdened more than you can bear. 

Cheers,

Zia.

P.S. - If anybody has any tips on getting someone who owes you to pay up, I would deeply appreciate it. 

P.P.S - It’s a month to my birthday and I’m excited!