Hi! Was this letter due on Monday? Yes. Am I a procrastinator who needs better structuring in her life? Also, yes. This is a guest letter by Janoma Omena and I’m excited for it because self-love is something I am struggling with.

Regularly Scheduled Programming

Hello! I’m Janoma and I’ll be taking over Ink Love and Light for the day!

3 Months Self-love Subscription Please

There's something to be said about ‘backsliding’ in the love yourself journey. On weeks like this, I swing from one extreme of hopefulness to the endless abyss of pessimism. Sometimes I shock myself with how vile my thoughts about myself can be, I get so cruel with myself thinking things I can’t even say. What’s most worrying is that I should have passed this phase; it’s been years since I felt this way about myself and it's weird.

I’d like to renew my self-love subscription, I’m not sure if I can afford a yearly plan so I’ll settle for one that’ll last me till December.

As a teenager I did struggle with liking myself, liking the fact that I’m bigger than my peers, and accepting that I’m not cut out for math or the ‘in-vouge’ skills like tech, math and science stuff. Despite my attempts to change it, I’m a hopeless romantic, in love with the novelty life has to offer, retreating to my mind palace and daydreaming when the world gets too realistic for me. I’ve spent days trying not to be childlike, to be ‘business wise’ and I tell you I was so miserable.

Since then, I’ve accepted myself as the artsy, maybe cute person in the friend group. To be fair I think I feel this way because it's not working out the way I want it to right this moment and I’m quite impatient. I imagine myself working in fields that are in more demand and better paying in the world but it doesn’t feel satisfying, it feels like torture.

I guess self-doubt is just part of the process, I guess there are days when the love I have for myself sits under the light for interrogation so it comes out more refined and whatnot. Maybe tough times are like that. It's just a scene in the movie that is our lives and if we sit through it, maybe answer a few questions here and there with honesty, it’ll lead to a different kind of freedom, one that comes with the satisfaction of putting in your all, one that says ‘Maybe it’s not what I expected, but it's honest work, it's decent work and I love it’.

On Life:

I started Letters from Janoma in May and so far it’s been really fun, I document my musings as a young adult navigating a minute space in the universe. On some days, it is deep and introspecting, other days I'm squealing about my favourite media. For this month, it's all about a short story series Coming Out which focuses on the internal struggle of a young catholic girl as she comes to terms with her sexuality.

Also, I’ve been receiving more compliments on my writing lately, Yay confidence boost!

On Books:

I read a lot of Danmei (Chinese yaoi) and it's amazing! I just finished reading Golden Stage by Cang Wu Bin Bai. It's such a sweet story during times of political instability in ancient China. It follows the love story of a Military general Fu Shen and Yan Xiaohan as they’re basically ‘forced’ to get married by the emperor. If you’re looking for fluff, pining and disability representation this is it!

On Music

I’ve been trying to be more grateful for where I am and what I have, and Radio by Lana Del Rey has been the perfect summary, Maybe if I sing it enough my life would be sweet like cinnamon hehe.

Lemonade

Eric Nam just dropped his new album, House on a Hill! I realised my friends don’t hold back telling me how much our friendship means to them and vice versa. I’m so glad we reassure each other frequently and randomly it's awesome!

Anyway, have a lovely week!