Hi! I haven’t written a letter in so long for multiple reasons; work, no time, and an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and fear. But here’s a letter, because the process of humaning is brutal but real.

I’m thinking of making ILL a monthly newsletter because, lord knows, I do not have enough time on my hands to send a letter every week.

On Life.

It’s my father’s birthday in a bit. One of the many post-humous ones I will celebrate without him. It’s been a couple of years, and what I’ve learned about loss and grief from actually living it has been more than what the poems and the sonnets could ever hope to teach me.

One thing I saw on Twitter that resonated was that grief and loss change you. It’s not an illusion; you are actually a different person than you were before the loss.

(I’m nothing if I do not attach a source to my statement so -

You learn things about the person you become after loss. Your life becomes “before” and “after”; you’re confronted with the fact that life, your life in particular, is a lot more fragile than you thought. You hold your mortality in your hand, and as scary as it is, there is also a sort of freedom in it. Worse comes to worst, na death go end am.

That freedom means that you do not do things that do not align with your soul because, as you have seen, life is too damn short to spend it doing things that you neither want to nor have to. It makes you move through life with a “you cannot beat me” aura, which is kind of intoxicating.

It teaches you to appreciate the little things, the ones that make up the big ones. It teaches you to move like you are dispensable because life does go on. It also teaches you to ground yourself more often and feel the breeze in your hair because what is life, if not a combination of little moments with all the people we love and the things they do, and the people they are?

The pain never goes away; you just grow around it. And find meaning in the person you become “after”.

Losing a parent early on in adulthood means a couple of things; it means you wonder about the things they did when they were your age; it means if you play your cards right and the world doesn’t end, you will live longer than they did; it means if you decide to get married, one half is missing from your wedding procession. It also means you make a lot of dead dad jokes to cover up the pain; they’re funny, but nevertheless.

"What is grief, if not love persevering?" hits a lot harder on days like this because what truly is grief except love with nowhere to go?

Life and Death are truly sisters, two entities that are different sides of the same coin. What is one without the other? “But a thing isn’t beautiful because it lasts…”

JoJo wrote a letter that motivated me to open up my laptop and actually write this one; you should read it.

On Books.

I have been in a reading slump ever since I read Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros, it’s been a while since I read Fantasy I actually liked. Now I’m looking for a book that gives me the same feeling. So far, not so good.

I did like Fourth Wing a lot; it was refreshing to read something where the main character wasn’t a sanctimonious know-it-all. You should read it.

On Music.

Red, White and Royal Blue, one of my favorite romcoms ever is coming to the big screen on the 11th! To prepare myself, I have been listening to a lot of rw&rb playlists on Spotify. One song that always reoccurs is Taylor Swift’s London Boy, which I think is hilarious.

Anyways, here’s history, huh? bet we could make some.

Lemonade

I watched the last day of Agust D’s D-Day tour and it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions since then. The Agust D-D2-Dday run has spanned 8 years and it’s over now.

I’m so glad Yoongi was able to share this part of himself and his artistry with us, his fans and his bandmates, his family. It’s been a surreal experience.

It feels good to be back actually.

Have a good week,

Zia.