Hi! My last letter was about the snippets of loneliness. I wasn’t going to write a letter this week, but my friend Desire needed a space to talk about neurodivergence and how it affects our people skills.

Neurodivergence is a big part of my life because I am, and despite the fact that I am surrounded by neurodivergent people, there are experiences unique to each person.

As you take this foray into Desire’s mind, please remember that you are not alone in your loneliness, and sometimes, your mind lies.

Regularly Scheduled Programming.

Hi, my name is Desire, and for today, I'm taking over Ink, Love and Life.

I am lonely. And I wanted to talk about it in a space that was not familiar. In a space that I was not known, in a place that didn't feel monotonous, in a place I hadn't already expressed it before. I wanted to talk about loneliness and share that with you in hopes that it helped me feel less alone in my loneliness. Is that okay with you?

I'm not a present person, and neurodivergence keeps me away from friends and family a lot of the time. Anxiety does too. Depression. Life, work, etc. I get that, I really do. I enjoy my own company, and alone suits me fine. But sometimes, alone feels like lonely, and it sucks.

There is something to be said for being neurodivergent and having a brain that is different from everyone else's. Your jokes, your pains and your sensitivities all exist in the same time and place as everyone else, but different. The sense of otherness follows you around, and you're alone in crowded rooms.

You don't really need anyone to come outright and say it. You're different. And it seems like even the breeze knows it. You're the weird friend. The ‘worthy enough to play substitute for when the big guns aren't around, but not so much worthy of being a big gun’.

I say you a lot. It's me. My. Or maybe it's an us thing.

I don't want to be perceived by everyone. I don't want obsessive, suffocating attention, but what I want is to feel seen. Heard. I want to be held, and I want shared laughs, and I want to be comfortable and jokey. I want to talk about rocks and the sky and books that make me smile. I want to talk about my very different, very unbrainy brain and be allowed to. I don't want to be called lazy. Told I'm the source of my own problem.

I want parallel play, and I want to be in spaces that are kind and gentle. I want to not feel like a burden. Like something heavy, something discordant.

I'm worried that I am the problem. That I'm so out of sync with every single person and place, and I lure them in with false pretences and normalcy, and then they see me, and they don't like what they see. It's just a little too weird. A little too off for their liking.

And now I just- kind of sabotage because I'm exhausted of being the spare. The substitute. The if-all-else-fails. Dismissed.

I don't want to have to be all the things or people that I want all of the time, I just want- someone safe. I want to feel safe with a person, and I guess that in itself may be the crux of the issue. Not even romantically. A friend. A solid kind of sisterhood, brotherhood, someone's hood. A friendship I can be territorial and proud of.

I have a few, yes. But I want more. And I guess that's that.

On Life.

I'm transitioning into something. The ride is bumpy. I want to give up. I'm terrified and angsty and scared. I'm looking for other words to say, “I'm a fuck up, but I will give this one singular thing all of my might.”

It's scary. But it's exciting at the same time. I got this far, and I didn't do all that and battle the fear so bravely for this to be all. I don't know if I can be brave in all this change, but no problem. I'll be terrified, shit-in-my-pants scared and still do it. Wish me luck.

On Music (and books)

I like a lot of stuff, but right now, Between My Teeth by Orla Gartland really hits. And Wavelength by Aurora, though I'm sure YouTube music isn't supposed to have that.

They make me feel something other than terrified. In control, desired. I don't have a lot of control right now, so that's nice.

I believe everyone should read some poetry books. Anything that makes you feel. At the moment, I enjoy Climate by Whitney Hanson. Give it a go.

Lemonade

I saw my friend, and there was amala and good conversation, and comfort. I like soothing from other people much more than self-soothing. Oh, and I have the spicy suicidals. They make me laugh in the best way.

How are you? How do you feel right now?

Enjoy this week. And the week after this. And the week after. Take a step today that you are scared of; you may regret it, or you may not. But that’s the point of life, isn’t it?

Xoxo,

Zia.